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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.