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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin