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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Plan B includes margaritas.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
Saw a boat with a sign that read "For Sale" so I added the missing "-ing"......Idiots can`t spell...
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.