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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!