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If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
about love
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.