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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.