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I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.