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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.