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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Insert coin to view my status message.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..