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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO