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The phrase "don`t take this the wrong way" has zero % success rate
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
The fox says you need to stop.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I`m giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".