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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"