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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Don`t be that guy that goes around saying "Don`t Be That Guy."
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman