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The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!