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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends
Serving size ?? LMAO
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.