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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`