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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah`s witnesses of the internet.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Where have you been all my life? ... Please go back there.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."