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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can Breakdance?
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.