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My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
is in no shape to exercise
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.