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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.