Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.