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Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...