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Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Admit it, you`ve answered Dora at least once in your life.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll