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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...