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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.