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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".