Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
My anger management class pisses me off
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.