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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch on fire.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....