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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants