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The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.