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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*