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I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.