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ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
I’m glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.