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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
drinks well with others.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.