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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
Ate too much salad yesterday so I`m going on an Oreos cleanse today.
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Do angry people know about naps?
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.