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I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me