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It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.