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If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.