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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!