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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.