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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal