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Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
i feel naked without my mobile !
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?