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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
This day needs more yesterday.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?