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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me