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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.