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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook