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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.