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Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
It needs more cowbell!!
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`