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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
So apparently I`ve been Googling `Asian Prom` this whole time. I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren`t going to bang.