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A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode