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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
Gun Control: Use both hands
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...