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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...