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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.