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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Was building a website for women drivers ... Bloody thing kept crashing.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...