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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."