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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.