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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.