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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?