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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
only 9530 days until retirement.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!