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The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
My neighbors listen to some amazing music… whether they like it or not. ;)
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
No one your age has any idea what they`re doing either. No matter what age you are.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.