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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.