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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Plan B includes margaritas.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Iām a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?