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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
It`s no fun if you have permission.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!