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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."