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I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......