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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
There is no time to check time
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.