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The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.