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If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.