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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
Hold boobs not grudges.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.