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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.