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Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....