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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
If he remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs
I really worried about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.