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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is