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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.