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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist