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I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Ok, I admit. Everything that`s wrong in your life is your fault.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.