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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?