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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.