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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Line forms here for spankings
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.