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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
I laugh in the face of normal.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.