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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.