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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
My number was 0...
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!