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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
I`ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".